An Insight to Experiencing Mental Illness…a moving account from one of our members
Posted by Gill Puncher on Jan 26th, 2012 in Cumbria, Mental Health, Uncategorized | 2 comments
Once you have lost your mind and have been totally out of control and the insane part of yourself takes over, you never overcome it no matter how hard you try to be normal and fit into society.
The experiences you have endured haunt your every waking day, you get stabilized on medication and have flash backs on your past and wonder how on earth could that have been you. Weeks or even months have dissolved from your brain, you try endlessly to try and fill in the gaps of weeks even months all that’s there is emptiness what happened to my brain why can’t I remember? Are there two sides to you or is it true that everyone has two sides and the fortunate ones live through life without revealing it. Why me?
You fight hard to try and battle with your brain and convince yourself that you will overcome it. You hope that there will be a miracle cure, when stability occurs the mind tricks you into believing you’re cured but deep down you know that it’s down to the medication. It’s such a hard realization to feel well when really you’re not, how do you comprehend that into your damaged mind when all you want back is the person you once were.
Those 3 out 4 who sail through life without a mental health problem are extremely fortunate. Can they even try to imagine how disturbing and frightening it is to lose control of their mind.
You are oblivious of your actions when you are extremely unwell and all you can do is apologise afterwards, if you had another illness you wouldn’t feel obliged to apologise but mental health makes you feel like a freak, unworthy and full of embarrassment and when you slowly get better and realise how your mind had tricked you, you start to resent yourself.
The fear you have to live with is, will I become insane again, will I go into that trance where make believe becomes reality, wrong becomes right and everything is happening for a reason. Will I become to see things that aren’t there, hear things or even think I have been given a gift with special powers. What will the complex elements of my mind do next?
I’m not sure if you ever can recover from mental health problems, they are too deep rooted and never go away. All that can be done is adapt to the new and damaged you.
I found this very moving and found a connection in a way that is not possible for those who have not experienced months or years of life missed to illness or medication. I suffered alone and have never been part of a service group so hearing your account really helped. I hope that we can all find ways of working towards recovery. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts.
Very honest and brave article to pen – This piece will bring comfort to many who have experienced similar and a greater understanding to many more.